day is done.

Ah, what a nice feeling. The kids are in bed. I’ve finally got my feet up and am laying in bed on my laptop.

But then tomorrow, we do it all again.  But that’s okay, because as long as these days can seem and as tiring as they are, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I know that I will never get these days back with my little ones.  That they will need me a little less tomorrow than they did today. That someday, I will miss having the sound of the baby monitor on my nightstand as I fall asleep.

So for today, day is done. Until tomorrow, that is.

am i enough?

I, like many moms, often question myself. I found myself staring out the window on a work trip to new york and the thoughts were swirling through my mind.

  • Am I doing enough?
  • Did I give them the right nutrition today?
  • Did they get too much screentime?
  • Should I have sent a different coat to preschool with my daughter?
  • Did we do enough reading?
  • Is my baby getting enough opportunities for sensory exploration?

And the list goes on. I’m sure other moms do this every day as well, but it’s hard. It’s hard not knowing if the little beings I’m entrusted to raise into big people are getting everything they need from me.

It’s a huge responsibility, right? Being responsible for raising another human being? My husband and I certainly do what we feel is right. We put them first.  They are the absolute center of our universe, but somehow it still seems like it’s not enough.

These little people that are so completely dependent on me is a huge weight. Sometimes as I watch them sleeping, I wonder if they feel they have everything they need. Or if they know any different. Or if some day, when they are older, they’ll feel that something was missing.

It probably never goes away – the self doubt of whether I am enough for them. But today, I choose to continue giving my little ones 110% of myself, until I crawl into bed at the end of a long day and miss their little heads and bodies until I see them again in the morning.

He’s not a baby anymore

I sat with my baby boy last night, rocking him while he had his bedtime milk.

As he sipped his milk in his tired state, I took a few minutes to look him over as I held him close.  I noticed his hair was coming in thicker…he was no longer my bald little baby.  I noticed his hands were getting bigger. He still has those chubby dimpled fingers, but as I stroked the back of his hand it just looked like it had grown.

I became conscious of how he fit differently against my body.  He was so long that his legs didn’t fit across my lap anymore. He felt more sturdy, more solid, more, well, like a little boy. I suddenly felt like I was holding not a baby, but a little boy.

I thought about the last time he had his milk in a bottle; it had been a couple of months. I thought about the last time he had a midnight feeding, with myself or my husband holding him with heavy lids and in a dazed state.  It had been so long, that although I was grateful we were getting more sleep, I missed it.

These days are going by so fast, it’s true what they say – that your second child seems to grow so much faster than your first. I feel like I’ve blinked and he’s 14 months old. And as I sat here holding him, rocking him, getting him ready for bed – I became aware that he’s not a baby anymore. He’s an official toddler, and I can see the boyhood emerging before my eyes.